Going Public

After my initial diagnosis, I was insistent with Gary that we only tell those people that need to know. Even after my lymph node biopsy surgery and upstaging to Stage 3, I tried to keep 'those in the know' to a very limited number. As many of my friends can vouch for, I'm generally a very open person; however, I just couldn't face going public with this. I was 33 weeks pregnant at the time of my diagnosis and 35 weeks when I had my surgery, so I think that played a huge role in my keeping everything quiet. The last thing I wanted was people's sympathy or to be that story about the poor pregnant lady with cancer people talk about around the dinner table. I also didn't want the joy of his birth to be overshadowed by this cancer cloud. If you've ever been pregnant you understand when I say that EVERYONE is ALWAYS asking how you are doing. For me, it was a question I dreaded because I felt I had to lie and put on a happy face, because after all no one wants to hear bad news come from the mouth of a pregnant woman. So I'd go through the motions time after time, responding that 'I was great' and 'of course we were super excited.' The truth is, I wasn't great. I was really upset and really worried about his birth. (A small footnote: Stage 3 and 4 melanoma have in some cases spread to the placenta meaning he could have been born with cancer). However, the more I pretended to be okay and the more I didn't share, I found it easy to pretend it wasn't happening, but on the flip side, I began to feel more isolated, like I was hiding this big secret that I couldn't share with anyone because no one would understand. I also felt a bit silly and for some reason ashamed to tell people. Ashamed because I felt diseased, like I was no longer a normal person. Silly because most people's perceptions of skin cancer are just as mine were, in that it's no big deal. It's not like breast or brain cancer which IS serious, right? I feared people would think I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. Shortly after my surgery and upstaging I told a friend, who innocently responded "oh phew, well at least it's just skin cancer." Although that friend had no intention of making me feel afraid to tell more people, I was nervous that most would respond similarly and I would have to get into a long winded explanation about how I drew the short straw in the skin cancer lottery and had the type you can't just cut out. Pregnancy and perceptions of skin cancer aside, there's the logistical side of how does one tell people they have cancer? Do you casually drop it in a conversation? Do you text or whats app it? Maybe email ? I found that when I began telling people it wasn't face to face, mainly by whats app and email. This was me chickening out, as it meant I didn't have to see people's reactions and I didn't run the risk of crying when telling them. So when did I officially decide to go public and why? I was trying to make arrangements with work regarding my sick leave and phoned a colleague who had fought and beat cancer a few years back, to see how he dealt with it. It was his first time hearing about my illness and immediately asked why I hadn't told him sooner. Before I could even answer he said, "I know, it's hard to tell people. Even though you have no reason to you feel ashamed, embarrassed, and you don't want to hurt people." The next few words on the other end of the phone I can say with 100% certainty changed my battle with this disease for the better. It took me out of isolation and lifted the huge weight of secrecy I had been bearing. "My best piece of advice to you is tell as many people as possible, because they will give you the support you need to carry you through this. You will have really low days and it's only the people around you that will make you better. If you try to fight this

alone you will lose. I know it's your choice, but please share with those around you. It's the only way you can join the Survivor's Club with me."

I went on that weekend to tell most of my friends and enjoy a weekend away with Gary filled with giant copper baths and champagne (and yes, I did hog the bathtub and the champagne!)