The Guilt

I'm Jewish, so I guess feeling guilty is in my blood- or at least I think it's supposed to be. If someone told me before all this started that guilt was one of the most common and strongest feelings people with this illness (or maybe any other terminal illness) feel I would've been really confused. What do you have to feel guilty about? It's YOU that is sick and it's not like you asked to be sick or made yourself sick. Or did I? Like most of us, I loved a summer tan and although I had a few burns in my lifetime (all of which were followed by a lecture form my mom about the dangers of sun exposure) I would like to think I was pretty good about being 'sun smart.' I did (huge guilty face) on occasion visit a tanning bed in college to achieve that infamous 'base tan,' but I can honestly say I can count those times on both hands. My mom would also scold the adult me about drinking diet Snapple, using Splenda in lieu of sugar and not eating organic, but I dismissed her time and time again, because as far as I was concerned I was healthy: worked out five sometimes six days a week and ate healthy. As I began learning about my diagnosis I found some interesting facts: 1. 90% of skin cancers are caused by UV exposure, and it only take two times on a tanning bed or three major sunburns in your life to cause enough damage to prompt the development of melanoma. 2. Most melanomas are found in areas where sun exposure is most frequent, but rarely does it pop up elsewhere. Mine was on the underside of my breast (and let me preempt this...I have never tanned topless). Facts 1 & 2 led me to the same conclusion: whether it was my sun worshipping early 20s or my love of reduced calorie drinks, one was the reason I will likely never see my 40s. Damnit maybe mom was right for once! (I know this is the one instance where she wishes she wasn't). I couldn't stop thinking about what I had done to myself, but at the forefront of the tsunamis of guilt rushing through my head was the guilt of the impact this illness would have on the people around me: my parents; my husband, my son, my friends, my brother, my mum-in-law (who already had recently suffered a tremendous loss), my friends and Maddie (not necessarily in that order). I don't think I've ever said sorry and thank you so many times in my life as I have since October. I've said sorry to my friends, because in my mind, I feel like a burden on their lives in that we all have our own issues to worry about and this is just one more for them. I also feel guilty for not being able to be as supportive a friend as I used to be, as friends don't share their issues because they fear they're trivial in comparison to mine, or alternatively withhold good news, for fear of my sensitivity. And to be honest, it's not only on their end, as I often feel horrendously guilty for being jealous of my healthy friends, who can plan their futures from weekend excursions to new additions to their family. I feel guilty for being a burden on my husband- we've been married for less than two years and he presently has a wife who needs his constant support and assistance. I apologise when he has to miss work to attend appointments with me and feel guilty when I'm a miserable person for days on end because of the stress of everything. I apologise for us not doing family things on the weekend because I just don't feel up to it. I feel guilty for needing him to take care of Julian at night when my back is too painful to move, and then having to go to work in the morning. Or today when my back pain rendered me Immobile and he had to spend his evening holding me up as I walk to the bathroom. I apologise for ruining the joy that is supposed to be becoming a family and welcoming a baby into the world. I find myself apologising to Maddie, as I haven't had the energy to give her her two walks a day and then look on with guilt as she races around the backyard because she's been pent up all day. I feel guilty for troubling my mother-in-law who so graciously spends weeks on end with us helping me care for Julian and do the house chores. I'm continually apologising to her for the extra work this is causing her and thanking her for everything she does. I feel guilty for being my parents daughter and my brother's sister. This is the last thing any parent or sibling should have to deal with. I also feel guilty because it's taken away from the joy of their first grandchild: the bittersweetness of watching your grandchild grow up whilst your daughter's health fails. And lastly, I feel guilty for what this has done and may do to Julian. I apologise to him for not being able to do all the baby and mommy groups because of hospital appointments. I apologise to him for not being able to always be the first face he sees when goes down at night and gets up in the morning, and for not being able to give him all the cuddles he deserves. I feel guilty that I may not be there to help him with his homework or his first bike ride. I appreciate that anyone reading this likely thinks I'm insane, but the burden of guilt is probably one of the worst side effects of cancer. The guilt isolates you from those close to you, thinking if I deal with this on my own I can minimise the collateral damage. And yes, everyone around me continually tells me stop apologising and thanking them. Maybe it's something that comes with practice, maybe it comes with 'coming to terms' with my condition, or maybe the guilt never goes away- it just lessens.